


if i were the sun, i wouldn't smile

by alybee



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood Vines | The Crimson | The Egg, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, The InBetween - Freeform, half of this doesnt make sense im sorry, mentioned karlnapity, no proofread
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:21:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29977293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alybee/pseuds/alybee
Summary: The curse of forgetting, accompanied by loss and unwanted responsibility.A very canon divergent karlnap fic, just cause.
Relationships: Karl Jacobs/Sapnap
Kudos: 2





	if i were the sun, i wouldn't smile

Diary #???  
I’m so tired. I’ve been travelling for so long… Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my abilities. I understand the responsibility, I understand it’s what must be done. I really do love travelling… It just… has its downsides.  
I miss the normality of life before. Before I was roped into having to save everyone and fix the mistakes of those before and after me. I still don’t entirely understand why I was the one tasked with this. I failed time after time, just to began to feel myself deteriorating. Although, the few successes are worth it.  
I don’t necessarily have a choice to keep going or not regardless, but I know I have to. I have to keep going for the few lives I can recover. I have to keep going for them, they need me. They deserve peace and happiness.  
It’s getting even more blurry as to who “they” are as of recent, but there’s always that feeling. The inbetween has yet to be of much help, although I will keep searching before I have potentially decayed beyond its help. I don't think it's very good though. All signs are currently pointed towards it being so, but I haven't entirely decided yet. I can’t lose myself like this, nor can I let them lose me to this. They said they needed me. I know they need me. Don’t forget yourself.

<[]>

He found himself in a small room, leading himself towards a chest in the corner. There he lay the book to rest, safe. The boy climbed up the ladder beside him and emerged from a trapdoor below a tall mushroom. It was peaceful, the wind’s soft whistle bled in through an opened window, serenading all who would listen. Karl was the type to listen. 

He hummed along slightly, not to overpower what the Overworld had to offer him. A delicate hand ran across the dark wood as he made his way out of the library. The song hit him harder, sending a soft chill through Karl’s body. Not uncomfortable, but sudden. His head lifted to see the sky swallowed by evening, purples and dark blues swirling around in a pretty, planned out painting. He let out a content sigh, before allowing himself thought.

What is going on now? Where is everyone? 

Were only a few of the aforementioned thoughts, before he had a small lapse in memory. With a hand reaching into his pocket, a locket was pulled out. A fond smile flew over his face as it opened, revealing the face of the boy who he loves, another beside him scribbled out. The other side of the locket was a simple clock. Truthfully, he regrets ever scribbling the other face out. It’s been a good while since then (or so he thinks it has?), and he does wish he could see the face again. A glint of sadness shines in his eye, but the fondness of the smile never threatens.  
If he’s going to forget, he’s going to try to control what he forgets as much as possible.

The locket returned back into his pocket, as he began walking around the small town in the flowers. Karl checked the ins and outs of his home, but was left with empty hands. He could feel a part of him growing desperate, but he pushed it down for the time being. Perhaps they were somewhere else for the night? They aren’t required to stay here all the time or anything. 

With that he left Kinoko Kingdom and began to wander. 

His first thought on where to go was the mainland of DreamSMP. He entered on quiet feet, taking in all that was around him. Karl tensed up looking at the vines that covered the area, larger than ever. Everything he walked by was infected, from Eret’s castle to the Community House. It was an upsetting sight, the efforts of his friends wasted away to a parasite. 

The energy around the DreamSMP was much more grim. He already missed the warmth that came with Kinoko Kingdom. Here it was nothing but evil, hushed whispers and the memories of broken people. Karl heard soft cries of commotion in a distance, and he felt himself getting pulled towards it. He knew he had to go. It felt off, like that instinctual feeling that something was so terribly wrong.

Karl ran towards that feeling, a rush that left no time for sightseeing. He ran up the wooden path, creaking slightly with every hard step he took. He made it up to the intersection of where the Prime Path broke off into what once was L’Manberg, his gaze catching the bench where two kids would sit and ponder, now decorated with unwelcomed red. He ultimately felt himself being pulled the opposite way of the ruins. What would be there anyways? What really ever was there?

This was when he found himself on the path to Skeppy and BadBoyHalo’s mansion. He didn’t want to be anywhere near that place, not after the issues it has caused. Karl approached nonetheless, as he slowed in his tracks. Under him were trickles of blood, yet it didn’t quite set in. He followed the crimson trail, this one not any more pleasant than the other crimson around him, but just as tempting. As he approached the assumed culprit, the brunette came to a full stop. His head lifted, eyes taking in the horror in front of him.

The path in front of him was dyed the same pretty crimson. Red was never his favorite color. With a turn to his left, in the open grass was a crowd. They were all bloodied for one reason or another, but there seemed to be two figures in the center of it all. Why were they all fighting? This wasn’t supposed to happen. How did he let this happen? What was going on? All of these thoughts rushed through his mind, unable to truly grasp at the situation.

No one looked to be dead, just a few severely injured. There were no children in sight, thank God, but that didn’t make the scene any less gorey. He met eyes with Puffy, who was on her knees, nearly unconscious. Despite her clearly fading in and out, she sat strong, pleading eyes never fading. Her tear stained face was fixated on one of the two figures in the middle, and that is when it hit him. 

Dream and Sapnap.

Why were they in the middle? Why were those two fighting? Why was everyone just watching? How could he let this happen? Why didn’t he prevent it?

Karl again suppressed his thoughts, watching from afar for a moment, just to gather more information. The prison seemed… worn? How could someone have even made a dent in the monster? The structure loomed over the scene, it’s shadow a dark and menacing blanket. The vines. They hugged the prison, it’s veins seeping into the cracks and crevices of the brick. It looked almost suffocating. When did it get this bad? 

That’s when it got louder. Yelling and the sound of ancient metals banging together filled his ears, his gaze quickly attaching itself back to the life of the party. 

“I made a promise to you! I told you this would happen!” a fondly familiar voice rang through Karl’s ears. The voice was fireworks on a good day. Tonight it was fire crackers on charred skin.

“You did, but I never said I wouldn’t put up a fight,” a roughened voice, just as loud, yet less emotional, followed suit. 

Karl stayed silent, his feet glued to the stained path.

“Why did you do it, Dream? Why didn’t you wait? You said you’d stay!”

“You know I couldn’t just do that. I’ve never stayed in one place for long, and you expect me to change for you? You haven’t cared for so long, why start now?” 

“And you know that isn’t true! I visited you! I risked everything for you! I’ve been there for you from the start, and now you’re willing to get rid of me, just like that?”

A laugh escaped the taller’s mouth, it was rushed and breathy. Laced in poison and faked confidence. 

“I could say the same to you, Sapnap.”

With that, the clashing of weapons was interrupted with the slip of Dream’s hand. His weapon clattered to the side, his armourless self now vulnerable to Sapnap’s will. His body flush against the grass, a hand drew forward. A scarred hand with a golden ring kissing the ring finger. Dream’s mask was taken, discarded to the side. Red eyes met green, opposites, yet in this moment, still complimentary. 

Sapnap ran a shaking hand through his hair, before regaining complete hold of his weapon. His voice dripped gold, but not the kind that glitters. It was gold that had been tossed around and dirtied. Gold that had been whittled down to worthlessness as new, shinier riches were discovered. He breathed, 

“I’m not the type to go back on my words. You know how this is going to end.”

Karl barely noticed Sam rush in from a corner, but he seemed to stay still all the same. He was ready to attack at any moment, but the situation seemed to be handled.

Eyes never broke the tightening knot that held them together. The defeated parted his lips, intaking a breath, assumed to be the last of many. Was it hesitation that came with these words? Or was it an illusion? Was it sincere? Who could really be the judge of that?

“I know you’re not. I won’t hold that against you.”

With the shuttering of eyes and the swift movement of hands, a sword penetrated the chest of the once all powerful man. Karl stared at those hands. The same hands that built his home. The hands that held him as he wept. The hands that had killed countless before. The hands that cradled him as he slept at night. 

More gore attached itself to Sapnap’s clothing, accessorizing him further. Apparel of the Gods. One more hand was lifted, placing itself on the blade which lived inside of him. Dream smiled,

“Kismet.”

And he died. The life fluttered away from him, it seemed almost thankful. Sapnap’s shoulders shook, beady eyes staring down at his crime. That was when his head snapped to the side, meeting Karl’s own set of eyes, just as wide. Karl couldn’t tell what the emotion was that shuffled through his lover’s face. Was it grief? Regret? Relief? Perhaps all of them at once. A shaky smile placed itself upon his features as he stared, Karl returning it carefully. Sapnap’s hand never left the sword. Karl dared to begin rushing towards Sapnap, just wanting to hold him for a moment, questioning can occur later. 

Their relief was quickly stripped from them both, no time to celebrate. Karl should’ve known better.

Red vines slithered out of Dream’s wounds, slowly yet all at once. They branched out, mercilessly grabbing at all it could get ahold of. Unfortunately, Sapnap was right in it’s path of terror. They wrapped around his arm, attaching his hand to his crime and weapon of choice. Panic filled his eyes as he desperately clawed at his arm. The vines would not budge. They dug and sunk into his skin, his respective red flowing out in response. Sapnap whispered pleads and begged, tears staining his face. 

Dream’s body began to move once more, the veins running through him, bright and certain. His body morphed and turned, a distasteful sight. The horror was something you could only dream of. The disproportionation of limbs was like a child’s drawing of their worst fear. Maybe it was. Dream brought himself up once more, like he had done easily and mechanically all his life. A grim smile, glowing and crimson, cut into his face. The voice was not that of his own, as it permanently lodged itself in the minds of anyone in earshot.

“I also made a promise, and you know, I’ve never been the type to fight a losing war.”

He was always one step ahead. 

Sobs one after another raked out of Sapnap’s throat, cries loud and heavy. He pleaded, “Dream, please. You know we don’t have to do this. You know there’s other ways to fix things! We’ve done it before! Please, Dream, Please.” The rest were the ramblings of a man desperate for life, despite how painfully unforgiving and ruthless it was again and again. 

With this there was left no response, just the departure of a once best friend. The vines did not diminish, just furthering its venture and attack on Sapnap’s body. Dream’s mangled ‘body’ pulled itself away. With this removal, the vines littered in the surrounding area rushed into offense, faster than anyone had seen before. They wrapped around Dream, suffocating him and enhancing the horror. With that, everyone was left with a sight to be tattooed behind their eyelids, the kind you couldn’t forget even with divine intervention. Another smile flashed, his body being returned to its owner. The vines swallowed what was left of Dream, as it dissipated into the Earth. 

It was silent, apart from the sobs and pleas from Sapnap. Karl rushed towards his Earth, falling to his knees. He watched as he bled. As the blood vines coursed through his body, replacing his veins. He choked and cried some more. Karl didn’t hesitate to wrap the pieces of Sapnap in his arms, not caring about now dawning matching attire. Sapnap struggled to push Karl away, but eventually gave into the touch. 

Thoughts raced through Karl’s mind once more. Where did I go wrong? Was I not fast enough? How could I have prevented this? How couldn’t have I prevented this? He couldn’t let himself indulge in them quite yet. Not when Sapnap lay dying in his arms.

Neither of them wanted to admit Sapnap was dying. He couldn’t die, not after everything they had been through. Not after how hard they fought. There was so much Karl still had to say to his other half, how could he leave so soon? He should’ve known time waits for no one. He can’t be so naive. 

Sapnap struggled to breathe, speech barely scratching its way out, 

“I didn’t exactly think it’d turn out like this…”

Two bittersweet laughs.

“I don’t think anyone quite did.”

“He might’ve.”

A gesture to whatever the hell they just lived through. A poor attempt of lightheartedness.

Karl ran a hand through the younger’s hair, “I’m sorry. I should’ve done something sooner. I could’ve done so much better. I failed you, I-” A weak hand shushed him.

“There’s nothing you could’ve done, Karl,” the other thinks differently, shuddering slightly as he remembered the things unknown to his lover, “It’s not your fault, it was waiting to happen. I’ll be okay. You’ll be alright, alright?”

Karl shook his head, “You know that isn’t true. We’re still recovering from Alex, and now I have to lose you, too? Stay, Sapnap. There’s gotta be another way.” Now Karl was the desperate one.

Sapnap smiled, it hurt. It hurt to do much of anything, he could feel himself giving way. 

“Hey, I love you, alright? You’re strong. You gotta keep burning, Karl. You’re the sun. My sun. The world will keep turning, and you’ll keep it alive. I know you can. I know you will.”

Karl held back a sob, which proved unsuccessful, as he wiped at the face below him, “But you are my Earth. What is the sun without the Earth? I need you, Sap. I’m nothing without you.”

With that Sapnap chuckled. He used the last of his energy to lift himself up, placing an almost nonexistent hand on the other’s face. He leaned in, leaving a small, yet absolutely immeasurable, kiss on Karl’s shaking lips, 

“You know what I mean. I love you, Karl.”

And yet again, there he went. Karl whispered pleads and desperate cries into the others hands and hair, as if he would get any sort of response. When he went to meet the eyes that he fell in love with so long ago, the favor was simply returned with an empty stare. He felt sick. 

The crowd around him sat in shock, the situation very clearly still processing. Some avoided the actions in the middle of them all, others couldn’t help but stare. To Karl they were nothing at all. He held the world in his hands, and the world was no longer full of life. 

There were no more blossoming fields. No more rumbling that came with the clashing of the Earth’s plates. No colossal waves to gently kiss the shoreline, erosion following suit. No more dawn, no more nightfall. The planets were thrown out of orbit today. 

A flash to white.

Karl knew this feeling. It was a feeling he had a rather mixed relationship with, one he had decided was leaning more towards distaste. He found himself surrounded by walls of pearly pillars and divine decoration, empty. 

A sense of relief flowed through him, a shaking hand rising up and running itself through his hair. He questioned why he was here, but it was a sign of potential hope. Karl questioned his options.

‘It wasn’t real?’ he pushed that thought away first. Everything that had occurred prior to a visit to the Inbetween was so painfully real. He can’t be that naive. 

‘Do I… get another chance?’ this sparked hope within him that he felt stupid to have latched onto. When has he ever gotten another chance? He took this sliver and held it close, praying to anyone that would listen. 

With that he began the familiar cycle of wandering, the instinct inside of him somehow navigating him to exactly where he needed to be. Not to far from where he arrived, he spotted it. A leatherbound book. With one hungry motion, it was opened.

“Back so soon? I’ve missed you, Karl. We miss every moment you are not home. Home. What an interesting concept. What is home to you, Karl? Do not feel alarmed.”

Home. The words racked his brain, foreign. The obvious answer came very easily, it was comfort. Being surrounded by those who care for you, right? Having a space where you are most content, where you really belong! That wasn’t the unfamiliar part. Why was he being asked such a question? 

The sudden change in tone that these books came with didn’t quickly alarm him, but it began to process. What was there even to process? He began looking for another.

“You are safe here. Please do not forget. Do not fret. You are okay. Everything is okay.”

Nothing felt okay, why was he being told this? Obviously he wasn’t okay. These words replayed again and again, Karl still unsure. He has already decided this place was not what it seemed; too good to be true. His hands felt disconnected from himself as the books lay there within his grasp. His stare bore into the pages as time seemed to pass by, as if staring would make them suddenly come to life and feed him more. 

He grabbed two more of these books, all with similar text. Nothing useful. Fake reassurances. With that he found himself to the tree, dropping below and swimming towards the crawlspace that lay there.

Karl grounded himself, gravity his best friend as he stood. The room was littered with books, some opened and others closed, occasional pages ripped out and cluttered about. Not long after, he bent over and began to read.

“Why didn’t you save him? Why didn’t you save them? Why? WHy? whY? WHY/?/?.? You know you were given this job for a reason. Why didn’t you take care of them? Why ?hwyh Why HWy Why hwyH hwyh Hywhy whyHwywhwywhywhywhwywhywhwywhwhy”

Eyes widened, and leather met quartz. Karl fell to his knees and in desperate actions he flipped through every book. He could smell the guilt on the pages, rereading the words. Maybe he read them wrong. Maybe he still had a chance. The words slipped right off the page, what was left of his mind trailing after, desperate to soak them up. 

He thought he was safe here. He thought this would give him answers. 

Instead foreign letters rain down as vision blurs in and out. Breath was ragged. Swift intakes, oxygen regifted to the Earth just as fast. Hands unable to still, pages fluttering around. A figure with crumbs of a headspace making itself as small as possible in a corner, surrounded by it’s mistakes. Ink began to smear and muddle as the figure wept. He did not feel like himself. He did not want to feel like himself. Maybe being himself meant taking a sort of responsibility. Maybe that meant coming to terms with his actions, or lack thereof. The shivering outline in the corner was at fault.

Unsteady and uncertain, it arose. Karl sprinted out of the room, a newfound feeling sprouting inside of him, an unwelcome side dish to the others. He ran and ran, not sure where to. Somehow he knew where to go, like he always seems to know in this place, and found himself in the main room.

Karl sat in front of the wither rose, knees buckling. The rose was once beautiful, really. How could it not be? Flowers are nature’s jewelry. Their gift to the ungrateful. Who take and take, unforgiving and savage. After all of the damage, they still seem to gift those around with precious petals and intricate stems. This rose was different, though. The wither rose is not something born of nature. It is a product of destruction and death. In a way, it was still meant to be beautiful. But this was the type of beauty you admired from afar. It hurt too much up close. The sun never had much use for flowers, anyways. Not up close at least.

He raked his lungs for noise, and with that cries slithered out, harsh and bitter. This was begging to anyone that would give him the time to listen, just as he did so many times before. 

“What did I do wrong?” he yelled.

“What did he do wrong?” awaiting an answer.

“I didn’t choose this! Why me?” breath hitched and uneven, “What is even the point of all of this? I’ve never changed anything! You’ve done nothing but make me watch my friends die again and again, what real chance have I ever had?” repetitive pleas. As if to cement them into reality. Yet the more the words loop, the faker they feel on his tongue. Nothing feels real. 

Silence.

His begs and cries are met with the deafening sound of absolutely nothing.

He was choking. Strangled cries with no one to hear them. Distress riddled sobs singing out, desperately trying to find anything to listen to their song. An orchestra cursed to be inaudible; useless. 

Days went on, but they were never the same. How could you go about the same when the solar system loses a planet? Rushing waters were no longer saccharine. Flowers bloomed, but the sun no longer wanted to give them the light they needed to flourish. 

Karl still was sent back and forth through the forces of time without his choice, it was inevitable. He tried to save them everytime, something inside of him knew he had to. But he was no longer as interested in searching out answers. He was just a machine fulfilling its duties. There was no longer anything to come back to. 

He knew what doing this would mean. He was warned from the start. 

A head once full of joyous moments of family and friends alike, slowly began drifting away. It was like his head was detached from what he knew as himself. What did he know as himself? It’s hard to know yourself when day in and day out, you don’t know where you have woken up from. Karl kept his locket on him, promising never to give the second face the same fate as the last. It was his sliver of hope that he would remember. 

He should’ve remembered that he never has had a say in much, no matter how much they tried to make him believe so. 

<[]>

Maybe that time too long ago, Dream was right. Was it wrong to have valued you so much? Was attachment truly an issue? Did I let myself fall prey to the same strings I thought had been cut? Was it wrong of the sun to have a favorite planet? 

You always told me I was your sun. That I pulled you. That no matter what, I drew you in and kept you well. I understood to an extent, it was all very romantic. And to think I was supposed to be the writer. I’ve begun to realize that you might have been right. About the whole sun thing. You were my Earth. Within you held every little thing I loved. You were the bridge to everything else bright. All I did was help you flourish. You were always filled with so much life and love no matter where you went, and I cannot take responsibility for that. All I do is burn. I burn until the end of time, I can’t stop. I wanted to burn for you, but now I am nothing but a ball of gas who has no purpose but to wither away, inevitable ending seeming impossibly far away.

Someday I will explode, and I will see flowers once again. I will once again find joy in flames and fireworks alike, but as of now, they are nothing but a reminder of my curse.

This is me letting go. I have been trying for so long. I want to hold onto you for as long as possible, but it doesn’t seem like much of an option anymore. I am losing my grip, I barely recognize my face anymore. I can’t bear to continue falling in love with you anymore. Gravity wants me to be with you, but its all too much. I have to forget. I thought it would help, but it hurts. I’m sorry. Please don’t be upset with me. I am not myself anymore, but I promise that the day we rejoice I will be the same sun that used to shine. Together we will prosper. 

I am sorry for not doing better. You deserved another star. I will be home someday, my Earth.

Shining Regards, K//?;;a;;arR/;’;’rL:L?>:!?????

<[]>

A dim light. A winter evermore, light rays perform a somber dance across desaturated leaves. A star doesn’t get to choose when it achieves a supernova, and the vacuum of space never said it would be a forgiving body. What is beautiful at first glance, is a much more sickening tragedy when given the chance to tell its story. A hanging piece in an artist’s greatest gallery. A voice cannot be given no matter how many times it pleads it’s case. The judge was never there from the start. One sided promises and a callous way to live. One you don’t choose to live. A blessing or a curse, one where you are bound to sustain those around you. If I were the sun, I wouldn’t smile. Not anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I really liked this piece for a while, but began disliking it a lot halfway through, so am sorry. i'm leaving a lot of things up to interpretation, but i feel like it kinda fits idk. its a bit difficult when we know so little about the inbetween and such at the moment, but i hope you enjoyed nonetheless. i hope to update my other work soon, sorry about that. am very unmotivated but thank u for reading regardless!! feedback is lovely and take care of yourselves!! mwah!!


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